Only joking around

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During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t).

When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my b.f was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence, when my b.f returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused: “Happy Birthday!”
:grin:

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Hilarious lmfao reeeeaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyy

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@Willd here ya go…you asked for it…lol :raising_hand_man:

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Guy’s having the worst day of his life. On the way to work he gets in a car crash and because he’s late he gets fired. When he walks in the door of his house he hears the sound of lovemaking emanating from the bedroom and finds his wife and best friend in bed together. He turns to his wife and says: “Get out!”. He then turns to his best friend and says “Bad dog! Bad dog!”

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Funny…rotflmao… :grin:

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Joke: One day, Timmy comes home early from school, and walks inside to see his mom on top of his dad – both naked. Timmy just stares, confused as to what they’re doing.

The mom says, “Timmy? Go to your room, I’ll be up in a bit.”

So Timmy goes upstairs to his room. Later his mom comes up and sits down next to him.

She asks, “Timmy, what did you see?”

Timmy replies, “I saw you and dad naked, and you were on top of him, bouncing up and down.”

So, Timmy’s mom thinks about what to tell him, since she has to go grocery shopping and doesn’t have the time to explain sex right now. Then, an idea comes to her mind.

“Is that all you saw, you have no idea what we were doing?”

“That’s all I saw and I have no idea.”

“Well Timmy, when you get older like your father and I, you need to exercise. When your father’s belly gets too big and full of air, we get naked and I go on top of your father. Then I push my hands on his gut, bouncing up and down to take all the air out to make him skinny again.”

Timmy starts laughing, so his puzzled mother asks him, “What’s so funny?”

Still giggling, he says, “That’s not going to work! Every time you’re gone, the babysitter just blows him back up again.”

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I wish I could see the look on her face

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Joke: Toilet stolen from local police station. Cops have nothing to go on… :restroom:

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Joke: Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night…lol

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Joke: A First grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?”

Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!”

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Johnny: “9”.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Johnny: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade.

“The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Johnny, after a moment, “Legs.”
Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Johnny: “Pants”
Teacher: “What starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?”
Johnny: “Fire truck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself. :mortar_board:

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Joke:
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple’s house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she replied.

“Needs ironing,” he says" “What’s for dinner?”

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Keep em coming, man. Coming in at a very close second place to sex, I recommend laughter as an acceptable treatment for just about anything that ails humankind.

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I agree…a good laugh is the best medicine…just makes ya feel good!! :rofl:

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A guy come into a bar and yells to the bartender, “Hey Jackass, gimme a beer”. The barkeep obliges and promptly delivers the man’s drink.
The man slugs and it down and again bellows, “Hey Jackass, gimme a beer”. One again, the barkeep obliges and thanks the man for his patronage.
The man slugs this one down in a couple of seconds and repeats his insulting demand of “Hey Jackass, gimme a beer”.
At this point another patron calls the bartender over and say, “You don’t need this crap”“Why on Earth would you tolerate it?”
The bartender says, “hee-aw… hee -aw…hee -aw… hee-aways calls me that!”

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Two badly beaten guys are sitting across the aisle from one another on a flight to NY.
One says to the other, “I can’t help but notice you’re looking a little rough”

The other replies, “I could say the same” “what happened to you?”

The first guy says, “Saw the busty counter attendant and mixed up my words instead of 2 tickets to Pitttsburg, I asked for 2 pickets to Tittsburgh” “She was so insulted, security took me away and laid this beatin’ on me”.

“Oh man”, say the other. “Similar thing here” “just mixed up the words” "yesterday morning at breakfast I meant to say “Please pass the Wheaties sweetie” "but instead I said “you ruined my life, you bitch”

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Joke: A man was heading home from work. Unfortunately the bus got canceled, so he had to call a cab. While sitting in the cab, he noticed that the driver missed a turn in an intersection.

The man carefully tapped the driver on his shoulder and said, “Sorry Sir, but…”

The driver screamed, “AAAAAAHHHH!” and lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant and stopped just 1 feet from a department store shop window.

For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said, “Look, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. For the last 25 years I’ve been driving a hearse!”

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Joke: A woman is pregnant with triplets. One day she goes into a bank just as it’s being held up. She gets shot 3 times in the stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will simply come out.

So 15 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says “MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!” So the mother tells her the story of what happened 15 years ago.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, “MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!”

On the third day the son comes out and says “MOM, MOM!”

She asks, “Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?”

The boy replies, “No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!”

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Waaaaaaaaah!:joy:

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Joke - Remember, there’s nothing better than surprise wake up sex…unless you’re in prison.

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Lmao.dang, dang,dang

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