Scientific studies have claimed they have shown that people who sleep with their pets have fewer allergies, a stronger immune system, and their overall health is improved so much it adds years to their lives.
I call bull on that one, because I climbed in beside my goldfish last night and nearly effing drowned…
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge says, “First offender?”
“No, first a Gibson, then a Fender…”
A frog walks into a bank tells the receptionist he would like a loan.
The receptionist uses the intercom and announces, “Miss Wack to the front counter for customer service please”. Miss Wack comes promptly to retrieve the client.
The frog follows her over to her desk and introduces himself as Kermit.
The woman says, “You don’t look like any Kermit the frog that I know”, “I’m Patty.”
He replies, “My name is Kermit Jagger.” “My father is Mick Jagger and my mother is a frog”.
Patty asks Kermit if he has any collateral to offer and he presents a miniature pink elephant sculpture.
She tells him, “I have to take this to the manager since I’ve never seen anything like it and have no idea of its value“
Patty hands the miniature pink elephant sculpture to the manager and explains, “This is all the collateral this Kermit Jagger guy has.” “He’s the son of Mick Jagger and a frog.” “What do you think?”
The manager scratches his head for a minute thinking “money is money” and then examines it carefully under an illuminated magnifying glass.
After an awkward silence he replies,
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone”
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That’s a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said,
“You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I’m doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding – with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer.”
But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the "church". . . was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business – either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented: “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all BS”
Only joking…
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. “I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.” 
