Thanks Will for pointing this out…a place for everything…lol. 
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To collect the random funny s*it people type here would be a monumental undertaking.
who needs to watch stand up?
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Great timing! I needed that laugh…
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So I was in the bar and, after “several” beers nature takes her course and there I am in the rest room because the floodgate have opened when this big black fella, and I mean the sort of big that has to duck and turn sideways to get through the door, walks in.
So I’m minding my own business when I hear a thud in the urinal next to me and, stupidly, looked to see what made the noise. Lo and behold, was this creature which looked like a baby holding an apple, which not only shocked me but also, frankly, horrified me, left me feeling all sorts of “inadequate” and wondering what the temperature was.
Anyways, I go back to the bar to refill the empty space, and I end up talking to the fella and, eventually, mainly thanks to the consumption of alcohol, I just had to ask how in God’s name he ended up with such a monster. He ended up telling me how, from when he was a kid, his mum would tie a small weight to it so it would stretch a bit every day, how it was a bit of a curse, and so on.
Of course, that got me thinking. I mean, I’ve never had any complaints but, as they say, “every little helps” so I tried it out. And you know something else, it works.
Effing thing turned black anyway…
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Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.” “You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. “Now why were you laughing?” she asked. “You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered. “True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. “Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?” “Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”
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I know someone here will get the joke
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Auto racing is yet another one of those forms of corporate sponsored “entertainment” that somehow manages to pass itself off as a legitimate “sport”.
Yes, it’s physically challenging to control all that power and torque, but to call auto racing in any form a sport or entertainment is bit of a stretch in the world I live in.
Driving our 1983 VW Vanagon at speeds over 65 MPH provides a more potent adrenaline rush than watching some rich kids driving real fast trying not to crash into each other.
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I always said that the best way to sort out the men from the boys is to do a course across a nice, wet, skid pan in a classic British sports car.
On cross plies.
I’m from a part of Scotland where there were some fair hills in the town, which meant that in winter much of the town was a skid pan due to snow and ice. Those of us with things like bicycles learned “sideways” at an early age, and that obviously translated to 4 wheels as well as we ended up learning to drive in some very dodgy, slippery, conditions in the days before “traction control” and “abs” means more than your right foot, and first cars were, quite often, older, rear wheel drive Ford or GM things which would slide around at the best of times. I’ve never understood the reason for anything other than " general" tyres here in my part of Belgium, conditions never get bad enough to warrant special “summer” and “winter” tyres in my opinion and would only see the ABS light when some other idiot decided he could actually fit in a space he was VERY lucky to fit into no matter what the season. In other words, I grew up when you actually drove a car.
But we like to think of auto racing as just “driving round and round”, but at the top end you have to have the sprinting capabilities and reactions of a top 100m sprinter mixed with the stamina of a marathon runner in as small a package as is physically possible. The “power and torque”, whilst impressive, is nothing like the old turbo days when BMW actually ran a small 4-pot turbo engine to 1500bhp, but the braking and cornering speeds? That’s a different story, especially the braking and lateral g-forces these guys endure. And since any doping and corruption has been managed much better than other sports, I’d rather watch and enjoy that over something as corrupt (Russia. 2018 World Cup. No backhanders there at all. Seriously? And with the announcement for 2022, well, Sepp Blatter seemingly said “Eric Clapton” when asked who his favourite Qatar player was) or blatant cheating (better than the Olympic diving, that’s for sure) as soccer or something as full of cheats on more drugs than some of us here are as in athletics or cycling.
So the chances of me watching any of the Wendyball World Cup nonsense is small, but I’ll get up at silly o’clock to watch the Rugby version from some strange land far away, same as I’ll stay up to watch some gridiron if I feel like it, or Nascar/Indycar, and recognise how some of the greats have come from relatively humble beginnings. Everyone’s different.
What’s the difference between a drunk and a pothead at a stop sign? The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green.
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This really happened.
HOLLISTON, Mass. (AP) — Police arriving at Holliston High School were worried that they might have a potentially explosive situation on their hands.
Earlier Friday morning they’d received an anonymous phone call claiming that a student had a “bomb” in a car at the school.
The high school administration was notified and the student parking lot cordoned off, according to a police report.
Police and school officials were then able to identify and interview the anonymous caller and the student with the car.
Police said the caller said they had called to report that there was a “bong” in a car — not a “bomb.”
Police said a “search of the student-suspect’s car confirmed the caller’s words were misunderstood.”
The student parking lot was re-opened and normal school activities resumed.
I wonder if his classmates will call him the Unibonger.
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My oldest cat likes to TRY and play that game with me, she may have the teeth and talons, but my paws are much bigger, I have a SERIOUS weight advantage and she knows I ain’t scared of her teeth and claws. SWMBO, otoh, is scared of the teeth and claws, lets that be seen rather than be forceful enough, so I end up being the bad one who ends up, figuratively, of course, kicking the cat out of the spot she chose because nobody else was using it at that time.
On this Mothers’ Day, let us not forget the fathers who have to pull a double shift
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A translation:-
Coffee without caffeine
Lead free gasoline
Lactose free milk
Cigarettes without nicotine
Now what about a government without c****?
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I wouldn’t say the people in Scotland have bad teeth, but I’ve just been told the cashier in a supermarket smiled and the barcode scanner registered a set of saucepans…
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If the asian noodles you ordered taste funny, you may have been served lol-o-mein.
Especially if the waitstaff giggles while watching you try to eat it with a single chopstick