Only joking around


#61

Joke:
Agnes married and had 13 children.

When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband passed away. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children before her third husband died as well.

Alas, she herself died eventually.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman. “Lord, at long last, they are finally together,” he announced solemnly.

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.

:laughing:


#62

I found a good one the other day and forgot to post it! I gotta go dig it up… Good one, btw @Capt_Seeweed

A Man Answers The Phone…
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings, and a man puts the phone on speaker and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: “Hello?”
Woman: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
Man: “Yes.”
Woman: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,200 dollars right now, down from $1,900. Is it okay if I buy it?”
Man: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
Woman: “Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new models. There was one that I really, really liked.”
Man: “How much?”
Woman: “$80,000.”
Man: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras.”
Woman: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house that we looked at last year is back on the market. They’re asking $1,500,000.”
Man: “Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, but no more than $1,250,000.”
Woman: “Wow, great! I’ll see you later! I love you!”
Man: “Love you too, bye!”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”


#63

That is good…lol


#64

In the back woods of Scotland, Ian’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

“Whoa there Ian!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s another wee one to come yet.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad… It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.

Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: “Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”


#65

Little Billy is sitting on the park bench eating candy bar after candy bar when an old man walks by to offer some sage advice.

He says, “Little Billy, please stop. You’re going to die young from eating so many candy bars”.

Little Billy swallows a mouthful of chocolate and says, " Look old man, my granddad lived to be 101 years old".

The old man replies, “But Little Billy, did he eat candy bar after candy bar after candy bar every day?”

Little Billy answers, “No he didn’t you old coot. But he DID know when to mind his own damn business”


#66

From Silver Bullet?


#67

I woudn’t doubt it. I have know it for a long time. Are you talking about the Stephen King story?


#68

Yeah, in the movie Gary Busey tells the joke.
IMG_3815


#69

Undoubtedly where I heard it then.


#70

Joke: Little Johnny sees his daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car, and sees daddy and aunt Jane sharing a ‘passionate moment.’

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and daddy and….” Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look and daddy was giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then daddy…”

At this point, mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for when we’re having dinner. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

“Well, I was at the playground, and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I followed them to see what they were doing, and then I saw how daddy gave aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then aunt Jane helped daddy take off his pants, and then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Jack used to do when daddy was in the Army.”

Then mom fainted.


#71

Joke:

A fancy big city lawyer decides he wants to go duck hunting. The day of the hunt, he shoots a duck and it falls into a field on the other side of a fence.

The lawyer goes to step over the fence and just as his foot hit the other side, a noisy old rickety tractor comes rambling up with an equally old and rickety farmer driving.

“Watcha doin boy?” say the old farmer, wiping his hands on his greasy overalls.

The lawyer replies “I’m getting my duck.”

The farmer says “Not off of my property you ain’t”

The lawyer replies “Listen Oldtimer, I don’t think you know who I am. I’m a rich, powerful attorney from the big city and if I wanted to I could sue you for everything, including your old tractor and those dirty overalls.”

The farmer looks around and says. “Well it don’t look like we’re in the big city, does it? Round here, we settle our differences with the three kick rule.”

The lawyer looks puzzled and says “What’s the three kick rule?”

Farmer says “One person gets to kick the other three times and then the other gets three kicks. We keep doing this until one of us gives up and loses.”

Lawyer sizes up the old guy and says “OK buddy, I’ll play by your rules.”

The farmer says " I’m the land owner so I get to go first."

The farmer brings back his foot and plants a boot straight into the lawyer’s crotch. The lawyer drops to his knees. The next kick goes right into the lawyers stomach, putting him on all fours, and the lawyer instantly starts throwing up. The farmer kicks the lawyer the third time in the ass, pushing him forward, face down into a pile of cow manure.

The lawyer catches his breath, stands up wiping his face and says “Ok oldtimer, now it’s my turn!”

The farmer says “I give up, keep your duck.”


#72

Joke: This guy is feeling real poor…so his wife takes him to the doctor. The doctor gives him an exam. The doctor then asked him to have his wife come in for treatment instructions. So he went out and the wife comes into the exam room. The doctor explains that if she follows his instructions for 8 months her husband will be just fine.
First he needs no stress or anxiety…no chores at all…3 nutritious meals a day and sex twice a week. So she says all right …and they leave. On the way home the man says to his wife what did the doctor tell you? You’re going to die in a month… :rofl:


#73

Since hunting season is in full bloom right now, I thought I’d throw this one out there:
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are about $2.00 and deer nuts are under a buck.


#74

Carol on The Walking Dead!


#75

There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other, except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.
For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.
“When we were married,” she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.
“Sweetheart,” he said… “that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?“
Oh,” she said, " that’s the money I made from selling the doilies.” :smile:


#76

Ahhhh true love @Capt_Seeweed


#77

Joke: Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home…
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Color of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Color of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?
Husband:
It’s a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution “C” Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch’s & a Tuffy Security Drawer
At this point the husband started choking up. . .
Sergeant:
Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your Jeep.
:rofl:


#78

Joke: A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse, where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a saleswoman and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See? I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H. So I’m still a hole behind you!”

No offense…


#79

Hahahahahahahahhahaha! That’s awesome.


#80

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