LMAO! Just tried it. She wont shut up!
I’m glad you took the bait first
Thank you guys…all were great!
Joke: A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I’ve arrived
Date: January 7, 2016
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!
These are awsome!..lol
Funniest fekken joke I’ve ever read! Bravo!
A newlywed couple goes to Tijuana for their honeymoon. The husband is browsing the marketplace to find a gift for his bride after lunch when suddenly he notices many of the locals are closing up shop preparing for siesta. Having forgotten his wristwatch in the hotel, the young husband asks an elderly man sitting on the ground propped up against a bench in the plaza for the time. The old man reaches over and lifts the scrotum of his burro and returns with “2:05”.
Astonished, he rushes back to the hotel to collect his watch and his wife and show him this mystical man who can tell the time by simply lifting a burro’s scrotum. Reluctantly, she goes along.
The husband wakes the poor old man who by now has fallen asleep and has the wife inquire for the time. A tad perplexed, he obliges, lifts the burro’s scrotum and replies “2:30 señorina”. He looks at his watch and sure enough, it’s precisely 2:30.
He asks the man how he has mastered this time telling technique. The old man gestures for the man to sit beside him on the ground, which the husband does. The old man says, “no magic”, lifts the burro’s scrotum to above eye level, points through the burro’s hind legs and says “And now you see the clock tower across the plaza”
Son "Dad, why is my sisters name Rose"
Dad "Because your mom loves Roses"
Son "Who picked my name Dad"
Dad “That would of been me BJ”
Joke - A married couple signed up for a sex study at the local university. There was an extensive screening process which involved a lengthy questionnaire and hours of one on one interviews to see if they qualified for the program. After passing the thorough screening, the administrator tells them they have one more thing to do. They must abstain from sex for an entire month to get in. He schedules a meeting for one month later.
One month later, at the meeting, the administrator asks “How did you do?”
The husband replies “The first 2 weeks were no problem. The 3rd week was a little rough but we were able to hold off. We made it all the way until 2 days ago. She dropped an orange and bent over to pick it up and I couldn’t control myself. I let her have it!”
The administrator says " I’m sorry, but we can’t let you into our program."
The husband replies " That’s OK, they won’t let us in the grocery store anymore either!"
Joke: A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.”
The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home after following her advice.
On the way, he said, “Let’s take my shortcut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me… How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
Shocked, the farmer responded, “Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
On a really hot day, a penguin takes his car to a mechanic. The penguin asks, “How long will it be?” The mechanic says, “Just a few minutes.”
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Not having fingers, the penguin proceeds to make a mess and get ice cream all over himself tying to use his flippers to eat the ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, “So how’s my car?” The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin says, “No, I was just eating ice cream.”
From the lady who brings my mom her library books.
Joke: A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk shouts, “Yes, I am!”
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, brother?”
The drunk answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”
By this time, the preacher is at his wit’s end and dunks the drunk again – but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?!”
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
Gilligan’s Island or The Disasterous Three Hour Tour
An Emoji Tragedy
Act One -
Act Two -
Act Three -
Joke: A 96 year old retired reverend is at his yearly health check-up. All tests came back looking good, and the doctor sits down to discuss the results with him.
“Well, Eric, physiologically everything looks good. How are you doing emotionally and mentally? Are you feeling content, and how’s your faith these days?” asks the Doctor.
The reverend responds, “God and I are on great terms. He knows that I see so poorly these days, so now whenever I go to the bathroom at night, then ‘poof’ – the light turns on! And when I’m done peeing, then ‘poof’ – the light turns off again!”
“Fantastic! That sounds marvelous,” says the doctor.
A couple of days later the doctor calls Eric’s wife:
“Good day, Anna. Eric’s vitals are looking good, and he seems to be doing well. The reason for my call is his relation to God. Is it really true that whenever he goes to empty his bladder at night, then ‘poof’ – the bathroom light turns on? And when he’s done, then ‘poof’ – the light turns off again?”
Eric’s wife sighs:
“That old fool. He has started peeing in the fridge again…”
Joke: A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”
“Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
Woman sits down at the bar and tells the bartender “I’ll have an entendre, and make it a double”.
So he gave it to her.