Both jokes were great man the taxi bout made me fall UT my chair
Joke: A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. The woman kept complaining about every little detail and making the trip unbearable.
But a few days before their vacation ended, a tragic accident ended the woman’s life. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.”
The husband thought about it for a few seconds, then told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
“Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here in Jerusalem, and it would only cost $150?!” the undertaker asked, taken aback.
The husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”
Joke: A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”
The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”
“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull-sh*ttin’ me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well… You started it…”
joke: A man and his wife were out golfing one day. Teeing off on hole 8 the man shanked it into an adjacent farmers field. He walks up to his ball and sees that there is a barn between him and the green. The barn doors were open on both ends and he had a clear shot to the green.
He says to his wife " You know, if I take my 4 iron and keep it low, I can shoot it right through that barn and salvage the hole."
The wife says " I don’t think that’s a good idea. Maybe you should just drop and cut your losses."
The man says “Whatever, woman. Always telling me what to do! I got this.”
He lines up his shot and whacks it into the barn. The ball hits a beam and shoots back out, striking the wife in the temple and killing her right there.
Months of grieving went by and finally the man’s friends talked him into coming out to play golf again. Hole 8, one of his buddies hits the exact same tee shot, ends up behind the barn with the open doors.
He starts looking and says" You know, if I use my 4 iron and keep it low…"
“Oh no!” the man says. " I had this same shot the last time I played and I went 3 over on this hole!"
Joke: A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After the mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
Next Sunday the new priest decided to take the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning, he felt nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon returning to his office, he found a note on the door that said:
– Sip on the vodka, don’t gulp.
– There are 10 commandments, not 12.
– There are 12 disciples, not 10.
– Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
– Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not “Bet his ass.”
– We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “the late J.C.”
– We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
– The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as “Daddy, Junior and the Spook.”
– David slew Goliath, he did not “Kick the crap out of him.”
– When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say that he was “Stoned off his ass.”
Joke: Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
“Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broken, and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad,” Kate said.
Paul yelled back, “Who do I look like, the PG&E man? I don’t think so.”
A little while later, Kate said, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”
“Who do I look like, an electrician? I don’t think so,” Paul retorted.
A few hours later, Kate said, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”
Paul quickly replied, “Who do I look like, a carpenter? I don’t think so.”
Frustrated from all the requests, Paul gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife, so he went on home.
He came up the porch and realized that the step was fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
“Babe, how did you fix all this?” Paul asked his wife.
She looked at him and explained, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch. A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying, and he asked me what he could do to help.
He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”
“Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?” Paul asked.
Kate looked at him and replied, “Who do I look like, Betty Crocker? I don’t think so!”
Joke: Late one evening, a woman came home from work after a long day at the office. When she walked into the kitchen, she found her husband walking around wielding a fly swatter.
“Albert, what are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m hunting flies,” he said.
“Oh, I see. Did you kill any?” she asked.
“Yep, three males two females,” he replied in a confident tone.
The woman was intrigued by her husband’s apparent fly knowledge.
She asked, “But how can you tell the difference between males and females?”
He replied, “Easy. Three were on the beer can and two were on the phone.
It’s Saturday night and the banker’s 3 daughters are preparing for their dates.
At 6:30PM promptly the first caller arrives announcing, "I’m Eddie. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going to get spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The banker summons Betty, and she and Eddie leave for their Italian dinner date.
At 7PM a second caller arrives announcing, "Hi I’m Joe. I here for Flo. We’re going to go to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The banker summons Flo and she and her date depart.
At 7:30 PM the last of the three arrives announcing. "I’m Chuck, I’m…"
The banker stops him mid-sentence and says, “She’s not home!”
Jim, Jack and Joe were construction workers. One day the three sat down for lunch and took out their sandwiches. Jim: “Damn! Cheese again! I hate cheese! If I get cheese one more time I’m jumping off of this building!” Jack: " Damn! Ham again! I hate ham! If I get ham one more time I’m jumping off of this building!" Joe: “Damn! Bologna again! I hate bologna! If I get bologna one more time I’m jumping off if this building!” The next day the three again sat down at lunch break. Jim opened his sandwich, said “Damn…cheese!”, and jumped off the building. Jack opened his sandwich, said “Damn…ham!”, and jumped off the building. Joe opened his sandwich, said “Damn…bologna!”, and jumped off the building. At the men’s funeral, their wives tried to console each other. Jim’s wife: “I never would have made Jim cheese if I knew he hated it so much.” Jack’s wife: " I never would have made Jack ham if I knew he hated it so much." Joe’s wife: “I don’t know why Joe jumped, he made his own sandwiches”.
In New England Jim is a Harvard Grad, Jack went to Yale, and Joe was an TX Aggie. ha ha ha
In Chicago, Jim is Afro American, Joe is Polish and Jack is Irish, they are ironworkers as I was.
What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk drives right through the stop sign, the stoner waits for it to turn green…
A man was laying in bed one night with his wife when he started feeling a little amourous. He rolls over and starts rubbing on his wife’s shoulder. “Baby…” he says. She says, “Not tonight, I’ve got my doctor’s appointment in the morning.” He gets a little discouraged and rolls over. He thinks about it for a minute and rolls back over and starts rubbing on her again. She gets a little agitated and says, “I told you, I have my doctors appointment tomorrow.” He says, “I know, but you’re not going to the dentist.”
The coin dropped…
Hahaha gotta remember that one
joke - A newlywed couple moved into her parents house right after the wedding to save for their own place.
To have some “alone” time, they worked out a phrase. “Let’s go do some laundry” One of them would say to the other and they would run off for some fun. Worked perfectly.
Fast forward about a year.
The couple is in their own place and laying in bed. He rolls over and says “Honey, lets do some laundry.” She says “not tonight dear I’m not in the mood”. He gets up and heads into the other room. While he’s gone she starts thinking to herself. “We’ve only been married for a year and I shouldn’t be turning him down this soon.” He comes back to bed and she says “Sweetie, I’m sorry, let’s do do that laundry.” He says “No worries. It was a small load, so I did it by hand!”
For any iPhone users out there have you tried this:
"I see a little silhouetto of a man"