Introduction, Tragedy, Death, Pain, Depression, and Sharing

Hello,

Intro:
I am latewood “Roger”. I am 64 and legally blind now for 10 years. I was hired to run the forum by Robert about 8 years ago, (my 2nd membership), and I ended up redesigning the forum and adding the BOM.

Tradegy:
In November 2019 my lady of 26 years; Amy, went to the emergency room and was diagnosed with severe Ulcerative Colitis. (Despite going to Dr.s for 6 years with issues pointing to UC with no pro-per diagnosis) and IN the operating room, she died on the table twice and reportedly went through 31 pints of bloss. The following 2 weeks saw her in and out from Intensive care back to the operating room. Since then she has been housed in a nursing facilty and it has been 20 months. Of course due to Covid19 she was not allowed out or to have vistors and her operations were put on hold. She had to endure a C-Bag for months longer than normal and once it was removed, she had complications for months. So; I have been alone and have no ride due to living out in the swamp. Oh well. We are getting by,

Death:
As of May I have lost 3 close friends and an employee/Friver. 3 to Cancer and 1 to a heart attack. Who siad 2021 was going to be better than 2020…4 deaths of friends in the first 5 months of this yeat. I cannot get over grief before another friend dies.
First was “Bill” a great musician who had been away for awhile and moved back home for treatment and to play music wiht us one more time. He died painfully after a week of chemo.
Next was My driver, Ed. I had fired him,but we have nutual acquaitances, and one afternoon, he said; “I do not feel good. Call the EMS”. He was DoA with a heart attack.
As we all know my best friend Garrigan “Will” died from years of complication with Cancer, and during his last chance chemo. We had a millworks business and sold live edge slabs, tables and exotic hardwood. That is business is dead due to his fmaily not cooperating with any of his partners, etc.
About a month ago, A good friend and drummer I had played with many times over 4 decades succonbed to Cancer a few weeks after his beloved wife passed away. He was a good guy and loved by many. My "Musicians Memorial Society are putting on a memorial concert July 17. We also had a memorial for Bill.
I am so not looking forward to who is next. It could be me. Many issues over the past year.

Pain
I can barely get out of bed some days, and I hate pills, doctors and prescriptions. Lower Back, Hips, Pelvis, Knees, and a bad ankle. I can barely wokr my farm. I am and have never been a pill popper and have aleays worked things out myself, but I am not sure I can resist medical advice and treatment much longer. Needless to say; this puts me an aggravated mood at times, and I might be consodered rude, but I do not mean to be. The biggest concern though, is Diabetes. I know I am borderline, but I have been having dizzy spells and such. who knows?

Depression
I am sure many of you suffer from depression, even if you have not been diagnosed. Again, I hate popping pills, so I have not seeked pychi help. Being alone and in ocnstant pain leads me to overstay in bed daily.

Sahring
I invite any of you to share things that you struggle with. I just wanted to opena discussion and to allow friends and members to understand why occasionally, I seem a bit off.

I apologize if I have offended any of you, and I hope you can forgivr. I am always attempting to help people in pain or needs. Peace.

Roger

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63…I feel your pain. Many old friends gone, pain every day, depression at times.
Nothing wrong with us , we just got old. You have always been of great help.
I have much respect for you sir.

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Hello Roger and others. My name is Tommy and I am new here. IHave been given a few plants from a friend and have started to grow over these past few days but that’s not why I’m here. I just came to see if I could be a bit of help for you. I have broken my neck twice and broke my back in three places so I to deal with serious amounts of pain, depression, anxiety, you name it and I deal with it! I read that you do not like to pop pills but I have been taking a certain pill for many many years now and it works better than anything on the market. They give it to people to get off of opiates and it is a synthetic. It is called Subutex and it is sublingual. Let me tell you man it’s the only pill that I will take and it has given me a much easier life. It doesn’t have side effects nor does it make you high but it kills pain the best out of all the pills out there. It sounds to me like you need something that will help and man let me tell you this tablet does wonders. it would allow you to work your farm and do all the things that you need to do every day with zero pain. You do not have to take more than one tablet per day to stay out of pain for the entire day and evening. I was just wanting to let you know that there are solutions out there you just have to know the right solution and what works for you! This is a miracle drug and you won’t hear about it from doctors because they want to put you on pain meds and opiates which that’s not what I’m looking for and nor are you I figure. Anyways I just wanted to let you know and I feel for your losses. Thank you for sharing and I know there’s better days around the corner for you. God bless
TRF

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Well, I am always here. you hit the nail on the head. Being a Wildchild, I never even though about being old, until I went blind. The Dr. My here, who treated me for free over a year and gives me “Avastin” shots in my eyeballs, said on my 2bd visit; You have the eyes of a 75-80 year old.

I tell you all. Wear UV glassed in your grow room, and around the greenhouse especially if you are up top into sunshine beaming off your 6 mil poly.

Much love. If oyu ever feel bad, just teach out and we can complain to each other. :slight_smile:

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My all time favorite thing to do these days…Lol

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You are an incredible strong person, don’t let that change

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71 next week,lost 4 friends so far this year, my wife last year. Went to a party 3 weeks ago stood in the middle & looked around as it may have been the last I would see some of them, used to be you’d say I love you to a guy friend & they’d look weird at you but now they all reply the same & understand where I’m comming from. PTSD, ADHD, depression, anxiety, an just worn out. Smoking a little now an then helps me cope, only drug I use now is for blood pressure. One of my best friends is legaly blind an calls me Bitterman (out of the movie Arthur) so I know what you have to deal with there. Life’s a bitch sometimes but you just roll with each day as it comes. Wish I could ride again that used to calm me and freak my wife out at the same time. tight curves an speed were a comfort as crazy as it might seem. If it wasn’t for my friends, and family I’d have lost it long ago. Thought I was bullet proof in my 20’s, now I’m not even marshmellow proof. There’s still a kid running around in my head but no where else on me. If I knew I’d live this long I would have taken better care of the vehicle I’m in. An go ahead, bitch, complain, say anything you want, I care about everyone on here an wish you all well. (thinking of that when’s @fano_man commimg back?)

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Thank you so much Tommy. will have to do some research, although honestly, I would still be wary. I am glad to hear that despite maasive injuries, you found a way to be comfortable. Peace be with you and reach out anytime you want to talk. thanks.

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You got to me herene as I am worried about Amy more than anything,a nd reading that you lost your wife as well brought a year…hell, My eyes are welling up. I know about the telling of friends that you love them. will used to say tgat to me, and here in the South, I think you might here it more, especially frommusicians at a memorial where we all spent the day Jamming and celebrating out lost friends life.’

Thanks for sharing of your grief and I will be hoping you hang in there for a long time.

I cannot really speak about Fan_man, except to say he did it again, and it is out of my control. I am sorry tro hear that you miss him. We all find consolation in good folks everywhere, Besafe

Oh yeah. I raced since I was a kid MX in my teens and late 20’s, but I pilored a drag bike in AMA Pro Star for a few years when I ran the parts counter for a NC hsop before I want blind. Thining baout try to dig my old beginner dragbile out of mothballs and seeing if I can burn it down the track a couple more times. If not; I have been thinking about adopting a Mustang and getting my jollies riding horseback in the National forest. I wrode aMustang’s accross the country with Visionquest in the early 90’s and we lived in Teepees across the country. Your post really allowed me to look back at a couple more thing i did to enjoy life.

Thanks ands thanks to you all.

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I’ve had both hips replaced, lost an organ or two, SEVERE daily pain, depression/anxiety/PTSD/Night terrors and a recovering alcoholic abuser. I’m only 40 years old.

You’re not alone, friend!

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It is good you stopped alcohol. I have for years, but abusing again. Really want to stop to be honest. Sorry to hear about you hips ar 40. Damn! Militaey causes or accident? If I amy ask you to clarify.

Did you read about the drug subutex above. Maybe that would help you out.

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Wow @latewood
This is a very dark topic.

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I don’t want to trigger anyone but it wasn’t military or an accident. I’m 4 years sober and it was HARD but it was worth it. I self medicate with weed and spending money on sneakers I’ll never wear. I occasionally take Subutex but only for pain. I have taken all alcohol related meds in the past and I drank right through their protective side effects :woman_shrugging:t5::woman_shrugging:t5::woman_shrugging:t5:.

Just be gentle to yourself.

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I’m 62 lost most of the people I hung out with growing up to drug overdose or suicide. There’s only a few of us left and we are all sober. Now when I lose a friend it’s usually liver cancer or heart attack. We say I love you to each other because we know it might be the last time we get a chance to say it. When I was growing up saying I love you to another guy was not cool. Now I don’t even give it a second thought.

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@yourviolentpast…Thanks, I think I got it. A little coded, but I believe I got the message.

@plumbdand I hear ya. Thanks for sharing. I do need to stop drinking, and just medicate with Cannabis. Coming soon, I have been working up to it for a while.

Thank you both.

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No one makes it through this ride unscathed. I lost my little brother, father, step father and 3/4 grandparents to accidents and cancer before I was 30. I have and continue to live a great life. I tell everyone I care about anything I want them to know as often as I feel the need.

I don’t think it’s as dark as it seems. I find a lot of light in purging your darkness sometimes.

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Alot of strength in this thread. Strength I’ve never had!

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We are here for you and we understand your pain and depression. The things you’ve described are horrible parts of life that we unfortunately have to deal with.Prayers and best wishes for your future health and thanks for the dedication to this site.

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Probably many of us have similar stories that are not told or shared by people. I have mine. Encountered major depression and generalized anxiety disorder in 2013 and am still fighting it to some extent, though it is nowhere as bad as it once was. Got addicted to benzos, fought that battle, and have been benzo free since early 2019. I stopped taking depression meds (venlafaxine) late last year after I started microdosing psilocybin. Psilocybin has been a lifesaver. No more meds, minimal depression, and a completely different outlook on life.

I lost a friend to cocaine in late 2018. Really sad story.

Kudos to you @latewood for doing your best and for being helpful. I wish you the best.

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Lakewood, WOW!!! SOO SORRY TO HEAR YOUR STORY. SO MUCH TO DEAL WITH AND YET YOU STILL MAKE TIME FOR THIS AMAZING FORUM. I NOW HAVE AN EVEN DEEPER APPRECIATION FOR THE PRIVELEDGE TO BE A PART OF THIS. I ALSO HAVE AN EVEN DEEPER APPRECIATION OF YOU AS THE DEVELOPER OF THIS SITE AND OF YOU AS A PERSON. MY PROBLEMS ARE PRETTY SMALL IN COMPARISON YET ILL SAY THAT EACH PERSONS PROBLEMS CAN SEEM BEYOND HUGE TO THAT PERSON AND I TRY TO NEVER MINIMIZE SOMEONE ELSES TRIALS. ILL SHARE MINE. I HAVE ALL THE ACHES AND PAINS OF A PERSON THAT HAS ALWAYS PLAYED ROUGH. I SERVED IN THE ARMY AND HAD A FEW INJURIES THERE SHRAPNEL, BULLET HOLES AND PARACHUTE RELATED. THEN NECK INJURY PLAYING RUGBY IN COLLEGE THEN RACING MOTORCYCLES AND FULL CONTACT MARTIAL ARTS COMPETITION AND BOXING. STILL, ALL BEING WHAT IT IS JUST CONSTANT ACHES NOTHING DEBILITATING. NOW, IVE WATCHED MY GRANDPARENTS DIE, WATCHED MY MOM TAKE HER LAST BREATH, WATCHING MY BROTHER DIE FROM CANCER NOW. MY WIFE HAS A FEW TYPES OF ARTHURITIS, SHE ALSO SUFFERS FROM DEPRESSION AND SOMETIMES SEVERE BIPOLAR. WE FOUND CANNIBAS HELPS AND THATS WHY IM HERE. I DONT REALLY SMOKE OR USE THE HERB IM IN LOVE WITH THE GROW. THATS MY THERAPY.
I HAVE ALSO COME TO LEARN SOME SPIRITUAL TRUTHS THAT HAVE HELPED ME TO MAKE SENSE OF AND COME TO TERMS WITH THESE HARDSHIPS WE ALL ENDURE. I WOULD BE HAPPY TO SHARE THAT COMFORTING KNOWLEDGE WITH YOU ANYTIME ALTHOUGH THOSE DISCUSSIONS ARE BETTER KEPT PERSONAL. IM SURE YOU HAVE ACCESS TO MY EMAIL. IM LEGAL HERE AND AM OK WITH YOU CONTACTING ME ANYTIME. IM ALWAYS AVAILABLE TO TALK. THANKS AGAIN FOR ALL YOU DO.

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