You and your wife seem to be on the same trajectory we are. I feel we are in a battle for our souls and mental health. We both came from a background of child abuse and now he is opening up I see how similar we are to each other. I think had we been with anyone else, who had not experienced the hell we did, our marriage wouldn’t be hitting 37 yrs in June. For the longest we clung to each other like survivors in a life raft but now are learning to finally enjoy what we both worked so hard from coming absolute nothing. I just wish we had this healing a lot longer ago. It has been intense but it is oh so worth it.
I told my husband this story: we are both cuckoo birds. Only his cuckoo parent’s dropped him off in a vireo’s nest. And the vireos raised the cuckoo chick, and it changed and was exotic and different and didn’t sing the way the vireo sang, so the vireo parents, now so much smaller thought, if we are really really quiet and ignore it, maybe it will fly away.
But my cuckoo parent’s thought that they could raise a cuckoo chick and had no clue what they were doing. They just couldn’t get it right because, after all, they were cuckoos and cuckoos can’t raise a chick by themselves.
And since we are both cuckoos we sent our chick off to NMMI and USMC and let them finish him, because we knew better than to try and raise a cuckoo chick.
Moral of the story: when you want to really get down and dirty and trash the people who raised you, think first, are they a vireo or a cuckoo? And maybe, just maybe, they did the best they could with what they had at the time.
It keeps me from just going crazy to think it was all deliberate and even if it was, I can only live a good life by forgiving them and moving on.